a tale of two cities

Mumbai - bloodied and bruised

The home of Bollywood is still reeling from gun battles at several major buildings; the death toll rising every hour. All thanks to a bunch of despicable pariahs. A group of snivelling cowards who have caused despair and grief in one of the most densely-populated cities in the world; sick individuals who mouth off holy verses yet hide behind women and children.

All of which makes one wonder if there really is a higher being after all. One can't help but feel sick in the stomach knowing such deplorable men were created by God. One shudders with disgust knowing that these scum were, at one time of their respective lives, conceived in the womb of a mother.

Hopefully, just hopefully, the Indian government wipes them off the face of the planet; not just them, but each and every single person associated with them. To hell with justice and the courts, I reckon; each scoundrel should be tied up with explosives and blown up. Oh, and for good measure, televise it throughout the world, YouTube included; that should send a message to all the other terrorists prowling around Asia and the Middle East.

Bangkok - chaotic and paralysed

Closer to home, the gridlock that is Thai politics shows no signs of abating, in fact, it seems to be heading to a potentially blood-spilling showdown. The antagonists, pro and and anti-government forces, appear to be gearing up for one last Cup final; just who comes out as the winner is anybody's guess.

The joker in the pack remains the Army. Whoever garners military support has one hand on the cup. However, events over the past few weeks look to have wavered the generals' stance. Where once they leaned towards the anti-government rabble, now they appear non-too happy about the massive disruptions the Thaksin-haters have brought upon Bangkok.

And in a time when economies are looking around desperately to salvage any semblance of normalcy, our neighbours have contrived to shoot themselves in the foot, and not for the first time. December has always been the busiest period for tourism; Bangkok now looks set to suffer the ignominy of having half-filled hotels and a mere trickle of hardcore tourists visiting it. I don't know the exact figures in terms of potential losses from a drop in tourism, but they are sure to be in the billions.

The only glimmer of light is the fact that Phuket has remained relatively trouble free throughout this latest conflict, as have the other main tourist spots like Krabi, Koh Samui and Chiang Mai. When an eventual solution to this mess is realised, the repercussions of this battle of wills between two recalcitrant parties might be even more long-lasting than the 2004 tsunami.

game, set and match?

The Rules of the Game has come into my possession. [Insert megalomaniacal laughter here]

The book that trumps all other self-help books.

The book that gives the reader insight into the secret art of picking-up people.

The book that promises to turn even the dullest of country bumpkins into a suave, smooth-talking ladies' man.

I'm more than skeptical, I might even say incredulous. Yet, I'm also curious. There's this nagging itch at the back of my mind nudging me towards the first page. I lay the blame on first-hand testimonials and an intriguing book cover. At first glance, The Rules of the Game comes across as another one of those mumbo-jumbo dating aids that start off being best sellers, and end up in the bargain bin some six months later. And it appears its predecessor, The Game, was highly successful, or so Amazon tells me. Then again, almost every book on Amazon seems to be a best seller.

So am I going to get started on The Rules? Perhaps. It should make an, erm, interesting read. Something to while my time away at the cafe or Starbucks. Though I will probably have to spread my palm over the front cover; I reckon one of the Rules will be to not be seen in public reading a book on the rules of dating. If it isn't, then it ought to be inserted the later editions.

Prejudices aside, I have a strong feeling that this book is going to be just another Who Moved My Cheese - boring and self-indulgent.

Or it could just be the next best thing after the Dummies series.

I wait with anticipation.

what's next; aerobics?

While the world waddles forth, Malaysia skips backwards. In a tumultuous economic climate, where companies are winding up by the dozens, we shamefacedly pronounce that things are as rosy as ever here. And to show that Malaysia is really immune from the plague spreading terror among the world markets, certain 'people' have decided to focus their precious time and effort on more pressing matters that affect national security and the well-being of a huge slice of society - the scourge of tomboys and yoga.

Question: Can people get any stupider?
Answer: Apparently they can.

The only good thing that I can see coming out of this is a huge drop in electricity tariffs. Why? Cause we're firmly set on reliving the Dark Ages.

Hilarious, but sadly true.

laugh, cry, then laugh again

We're often told that laughter is the best medicine.

While not always the cure, laughter does go a long way to make one forget about one's despair, even if for an iota of time.

So, seeing as the weather is gloomy at best today, here's you dose.

KOTA BARU: Kelantan Umno liaison chairman Tan Sri Annuar Musa has urged Malaysians not to get carried away with Barrack Obama, as “we have our own leaders to admire and our issues to resolve. I also prefer if people could wear T-shirts bearing Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, soon to be our next Prime Minister and Umno president,” he said

To get a full version of this side splitter, hop over to The Star.

'Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and we'll hand you tissue.'

how the mighty fall

Oh, what a wonderful time to be a consumer in Malaysia.

Prices just seem to be dropping all around us, from clothes to FMCGs to plane tickets. All thanks to the economic recession plaguing the US. It's quite gratifying, truth be told, to read about corporation after corporation winding up due their insatiable gluttony for profit, profit and more profit. I doubt many average Joes will shed even a tear for the dearly departed in Wall Street, which includes Lehmann Brothers, AIG and Bear Stearns. More will follow, for sure, all victims of of their own financial gluttony.

And what's even more satisfying is the perpetual fall of oil prices. What had, at one time been US$140 per barrel is now below US$59. And there's no sight of the bottom. Will oil eventually cost US$1 per barrel in the near future? Definitely rubs mud in the faces of analysts who predicted US$200 as the magical figure come 2009.

One can only salute Air Asia for scrapping the immensely unpopular fuel surcharge from the price of tickets. A much appreciated move, even if it's more due to pragmatic economics rather than sincere goodwill. Once again, MAS is on the backfoot. Maintain the surcharge, and lose business. Remove it, and profits drop. They deserve nothing more, I reckon.

And then we have the cutthroat mamak restaurateurs who have been maintaining their inflated prices even in the wake of the collapse of oil prices. As it were, they spouted a myriad of excuses when raising their prices (too expensive to transport milk, flour, their families etc); now they're singing about why they can't lower prices.

I, for one, am not going to buy into that mumbo-jumbo about how they're dropping prices by up to 20 or 30 sen. Technically, the prices should be way lower than even before the price of petrol rose, sometime last year. Raising the price of Milo Ais by 50 sen, then reducing it by 10 sen still sees a net increment of 40 sen. So is the new price of Milo Ais really reflective of current market forces, or just another piece of wool pulled over the public's eyes?

It's always mamak restaurants who are quick to increase food prices, and even quicker to justify them. While I do appreciate mamak sessions, I think it's high time we stopped putting up with their crap. I'm loath to use the word 'boycott', but yeah, something of the kind. Start small, and avoid the mamak chains; this includes the Pelitas, the Nasi Kandar Kayus and the Tanjungs. The roadside dudes are okay, they rarely, if ever, raise prices and still sell roti canai, for example, at well below a ringgit.

Let these greedy bastards really feel the pinch of having empty restaurants, and then we'll see how they price their ware.

To paraphrase Jackie Chan, "when the buying stops, the prices drop".

Quantum of Solace, or so it seems

Martini, shaken not stirred.

No, you're not going to hear that line in the latest Bond flick, Quantum of Solace. Though I now know how his poison is concocted, thanks to an eager beaver bartender.

That, and the fact that 007's suits have improved tremendously since he first blazed his way across the silver screen. And I have to admit, Daniel Craig does do justice to his character's extensive wardrobe. Look out for the shoes especially.

The movie, now that I've stopped veering off, is so-so. In my opinion, that is. But that's more due to the fact that as I age (gracefully), I'm more attracted to movies where the hero actually gets beaten up once in a while. Realism is what I'm talking about. I think anyone still worshipping Bond's playboy-esque mannerism and sexual conquests has really got to take a look at the calendar once in a while. Gone are the days of Bond comes, Bond screws, Bond kills. And yeah, not a single bullet wound? Lucky lucky.

The action is good, though too fast-paced even for rapid-eye-movement abilities. Luckily the pace slows down with Olga Stillcantspellhername. Here, you look forward to John Woo's slow-mo effect, drinking in every sweet detail. Don't bank on her acting skills though, I think Ursula Andress was the last Bond girl to actually offer glimpses of acting.

On the other hand, credit must be given to Daniel Craig. He's managed to mould Bond to suit his persona. Connery was macho, Moore humourous, Dalton broody, and Brosnan suave. Lazenby was, well, Lazenby. Craig, as in Casino Royale, is all raw and psychotic. Which is a change from the usual 007 fare. Good or bad, time will tell. Evidence is, CR was a hit, and QoS looks to follow suit.

And the villains are finally 3-dimensional, thankfully. Anyone who professes Blofeld had substance should look the word up in the Oxford D. I find the villain to be more important than the hero in action movies, what with the glut in comic superheroes around town. Robert Carlyle was fabulous in The World is Not Enough, as was Sean 'Boromir ' Bean in Goldeneye. Craziest of all was undoubtedly Christopher Walken. Pure psycho power.

If you do watch Quantum of Solace in a cinema in Malaysia, look out for the translation of the movie title. 'Dunia Tenang dalam Kesengsaraan'??

Messrs Ti and Thum, please stand up.

hurrah for Obama

If there is one thing we can infer from the just-concluded Presidential Election in the US, it's that Malaysia has regressed further backwards in terms of politics and governance. It further strengthens the common notion that the ruling politicians are nothing more redneck, moonshine-drinking bigots whose brains are divided into two distinct lobes; one that only recognises the word 'race' and the other that is fixated on 'religion'. I think, more so there than anywhere else, the American elections have highlighted once and for all the rotten hypocrisy that prevails here.

America, a country which gave birth to infamous groups like the KKK and various dubious cults, has shown the world that race and religion is not a prerequisite for any individual with the lofty aim of becoming President. Not anymore, at least. Unfortunately, it's a whole different ballgame here. The core of Malaysian politics is entwined tightly around creed and faith. And judging by the way things are going, there's not much light at the end of the tunnel. All that interests the governing parties is staying in power and hoarding masses of wealth; everything else is secondary. And the only way they're able to continue their wicked ways peacefully is by harping on...yes, you guessed it.

It takes one to be incredibly well-endowed with bountiful layers of epidermis to boastfully spew out the 'Truly Asia' misnomer.

Just an example: only in Malaysia can changing a road sign become a racial issue. Seriously. Only here can a multilingual road sign be construed as a threat to the national language. Yet these same idiots were oddly quiet when the equally-idiotic city hall officials were going around erecting road signs in both the national language AND Arabic; they claimed it was for tourists. Right.

Why on God's given Earth would a bunch of Arab tourists be doing in the middle of a residential area? Looking for homemade kebab perhaps? Only the KL City Hall can provide an insight to this blatant waste of public funds.

If they aren't on one of their notoriously long lunch breaks, that is.

what's pricier than petrol?

Imagine this, you walk into a pub with a couple of friends, park yourself at a table, and order a bottle of Jack Daniel's or Chivas Regal. The usual Q&A about mixers, and you're soon downing the first shot of the day. The waiter comes up with the bill, and your eyes nearly pop out; they would have popped out had your blood vessels not expanded due to the alcohol. Two hundred and fifty bloody ringgit for a bloody bottle of whiskey at a bloody small pub. A blatant case of how things are inflated, if the price is anything to go by.

Personally, I don't think any pub should price their liquor bottles above RM 200. Even that's a tad extravagant; RM 180 is a more comfortable maximum point. But we'll take petrol prices into consideration (Malaysia's No. 1 excuse for exorbitantly-priced goods) and add twenty to the ceiling price. And if we're talking about clubs, a cap of RM 350 is painful, but bearable.

All things considered, it amazes me how the smaller pubs in Klang Valley charge with impunity bottled liquor; some have even been known to bill customers up to RM 280 for a cheap ass Black Label. Now, I'm sure many will nod rather hesitantly when I say "If you can't afford it, don't bloody drink". Yet, at the same time, I can understand one's need to get a bottle and sip peacefully at the whiskey coke or vodka lime without having to wave your arms furiously after every empty glass. More so in a packed joint; waiters are at a premium, for some strange reason. It's almost as though they're skilled in blending in with the patrons, to the point of onlookers being unable to differentiate between a drunk and a person serving a drunk.

I tend to lean towards the school of thought that bottles should only be opened in clubs and not mere pubs and bars. I find it rather pretentious when a person arranges a bottles of Jim Beam, four cans of Coke, the ice bucket and one glass in front of himself in some obscure joint in the corner of some equally obscure neighbourhood. It's a bit hard to decide if it's sad, or it's pathetic.

Sadly pathetic, perhaps?