it ain't half hard, m'aam

Apparently, there are four levels of erections (don't laugh). I'm serious, I'm quoting an expert from the Asia Pacific Sexual Health and Overall Wellness organisation. Besides, we all know how important erections are (I hear you chortle), so it's good to be informed.

So yeah back to the matter in hand (no pun intended). The four degrees of hardness are:

Tofu: it's large but not hard

Peeled banana: it’s not hard enough for penetration

Unpeeled banana: it’s hard enough for penetration but not completely

Cucumber: it’s completely hard and fully rigid

I'm sure those of us with appendages can agree that we want cucumbers. I'm not to sure about the unpeeled bananas though; some tend to look quite sturdy indeed, unless they were crushed. Tofu is plain traumatic, thank God for Viagra and Cialis and the various powdered penises sold by your local Chinese medicine hall (no, I do not condone the killing of wildlife merely for the sake of an erection; a myth at that too).

These eyebrow-raising analogies do, however, shed some very interesting light on a phrase commonly used in the English language; I reckon being 'cool as a cucumber' has taken a whole new different meaning.